One of the best bits of the new film version of the Odyssey has got to be when they all commute on the Palmetto ... er, sorry no, sail to the underworld.
For readers who aren’t Matt Damon fans and whose high school literature is a bit rusty, a refresher. The sorceress Circe tells Odysseus he must travel to the underworld to consult Tiresias, the blind prophet who’s going to give him not necessarily great news about how to get home and what he needs to do when he gets there.
Battling roiling seas stirred by an angry Posiedon, Odysseus and the fellas then travel to the underworld confluence of the rivers Acheron, Cocytus and Pyriphlegethon - respectively, the rivers of woe, wailing and fire.
As someone who frequently drives on the bit of turnpike between the stadium and Red Road, I found that whole bit highly relatable.
Let me be clear: I am not saying those of us who regularly commute in South Florida are all tragic heroes of Greek myth doomed to tumult and exile because of questionable choices we made during war. I’m just saying that, when you’ve been cut off for the fifth time on a single drive by some nitwit in, inevitably,
a Dodge Charger, and he’s weaving in and out of lanes, coming within individual molecules of other cars’ bumpers despite the fact that this highway is clearly packed and there is no secret open lane he’s going to unlock by driving this way? When that happens, the plight of Odysseus hits just a little closer to home.
My father is a retired teacher. For many years he taught driving, both by sitting in the passenger seat of drivers’ ed cars and by standing in front of the classes you take when you’ve got a ticket, or a few tickets, or some jail time and a very special ankle bracelet.
Suffice to say, he has many years of experience with bad driving and bad drivers. He’s also lived in South Florida since the Nixon administration, and what he says about driving here today is that it’s as bad as anything he’s ever seen.
That’s never great, but this time of year, it can be even more fraught. It’s back-to-school season; in this issue, we’ve got tips for preparing for the school run. Whether you’re a parent, a student driving to school or just someone whose commute is about to get a bit slower, the advice largely amounts to - plan ahead, and slow down.
And yes, that’s easy advice to give from the comfort of my editor’s chair. I also drive in haste and anger sometimes. My best-laid plans often do not survive first contact with a hectic Tuesday morning.
So I come to you as a sinner, not a saint. For the start of the school year, let’s all ease off on the gas a bit and be forgiving to the person who cuts in a bit close.
And then, after seven years at sea, we can finally return home to Ithica. Or, you know, exit the Palmetto.